How Can We Prevent Jealousy among Siblings?

How can we prevent jealousy among siblings?

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. Blessings and peace be upon the Master of the Messengers, his Family, and all his Companions.

Jealousy is the dislike of a person sharing with others what they believe is rightfully theirs. It can be either blameworthy or praiseworthy depending on adherence to religious guidelines and principles. To avoid blameworthy jealousy among siblings, it is crucial to raise children from a young age on the principles of altruism and loving good for others, tying this to faith.

Additionally, it is important to ensure fairness in all matters during their upbringing, avoid favoritism, and refrain from comparing or highlighting the qualities of one child over another. Furthermore, concealing the merits or advantages of one child, especially when jealousy is intense, can help. Allah knows best.

Jealousy (ghayra) is defined as the dislike of a person sharing with others what they believe is rightfully theirs. [Jurjani, al-Ta‘rifat]

It originates from natural human instincts such as love of possession, selfishness, and self-interest. When these instincts are guided and regulated by religious principles, jealousy becomes praiseworthy. Otherwise, it turns into a blameworthy trait and a pathological condition that needs treatment, as seen in many societal situations, including among siblings in a single family.

So, what are the religious and educational guidelines to prevent and treat jealousy among siblings?

There are several educational principles and guidelines that the Sacred Law directs us to follow:

Raising children on the principle of altruism and loving good for others, linking this to faith. This is as stated in the hadith narrated by Anas Ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him), where the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

“None of you will believe until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

Allah (Most High) emphasized and praised this principle and those who embody it, saying:

“As for those who had settled in the city and (embraced) the faith before (the arrival of) the emigrants, they love whoever immigrates to them, never having a desire in their hearts for whatever (of the gains) is given to the emigrants. They give (the emigrants) preference over themselves even though they may be in need. And whoever is saved from the selfishness of their own souls, it is they who are (truly) successful.” [Quran, 59:9]

Ensuring fairness among children and avoiding discrimination or favoritism. This applies to all apparent matters within a person’s control, such as spending, education, manner of speaking, treatment, play, affection, and outward love like smiles and kisses. As for inner love, this is beyond a person’s control and cannot be demanded, but parents should avoid showing it in their dealings with their children. This is exemplified in the story of Prophet Ya‘qub (peace be upon him) with his son Yusuf and his brothers (peace be upon them).

An example of this principle is narrated by Nu‘man Ibn Bashir (Allah be pleased with him), where his father brought him to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said, “I have given this son of mine a slave.” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) asked, “Did you give all your children the same gift?” He replied, “No.” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) then said, “Take it back.”

In another narration, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “Did you do this for all your children?” He replied, “No.” The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) then said, “Fear Allah and treat your children justly.” So his father returned and took back the gift.

In another narration, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “O Bashir, do you have other children?” He replied, “Yes.” The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) then asked, “Did you give all of them a similar gift?” He replied, “No.” The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Then do not make me a witness, for I do not bear witness to injustice.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

Concealing the qualities and advantages of one child from the others, especially when jealousy is intense. As the Quran mentions in the story of Yusuf’s dream, where he said to his father:

“(Remember) when Joseph said to his father, ‘O my dear father! Indeed I dreamt of eleven stars, and the sun, and the moon—I saw them prostrating to me!’” [Quran, 12:4]

“He (means his father) replied, ‘O my dear son! Do not relate your vision to your brothers, or they will devise a plot against you. Surely Satan is a sworn enemy to humankind.” [Quran, 12:5]

Avoiding comparisons among siblings. Parents should refrain from saying things like: “Your brother is better than you; he knows such and such, and you know nothing,” or “He is successful, and you are a failure.” Such comparisons can lead to feelings of inadequacy and increase jealousy.

These are the primary principles and religious and educational advice to prevent blameworthy jealousy among siblings.

Dear parents, ensure you raise your children with a love for goodness for others in general and for their siblings and relatives in particular. Strive to achieve fairness among them, even in kind words, smiles, or kisses. Be cautious, especially when jealousy is intense, to avoid comparisons, favoritism, or highlighting the merits of one child in front of the others. Such actions can exacerbate jealousy, create resentment, and lead to animosity among them. We ask Allah Almighty for guidance, success, and happiness for all our children and the children of all Muslims. All praise is due to Allah, Lord of all the worlds.

Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Abdul Sami‘ al-Yakti